Whenever you are in the presence of others, is most of your conscious attention drawn inward to your thoughts or do you invest at least that much time into thinking what they are thinking? Do you think feel what they are feeling? Remember this conversation:

You tell someone about your vacation or exciting experience. You are excited and into your story. The person you are with, however, is politely waiting for you to finish, and when you have finished, they say, "Oh, that's nothing." And then they go on to "one-up" your story.

The person who has one-upped your story has no charisma. They lack the ability to probe into your feelings or be fascinated by your experience.

Read the following three sentences someone might say after you tell them a story about your recent vacation to the Grand Canyon:

a) "I've been there lots of times. It's great."

b) "Have you seen the other side of the Canyon, it's even prettier there."

c) "Oh really? What did you like best about the Canyon?"

The first sentence seems innocuous enough. It's not rude. It's not really even selfish. It simply is not charismatic. However, the person hasn't entered the other person's world.

The second sentence appears to show some curiosity. Nevertheless, the person is still on "their map." A charismatic person needs to step off their map and enter into the mind of the other person completely.

Sentence "C", on the other hand, is probing. It shows curiosity and maybe even fascination. This person communicates charismatically because their focus of attention is outside of themselves.

Do not misunderstand. People are also perceived as charismatic with their ability to motivate, to tell a story, to captivate attention and make others revolve around them. However, without the ability to walk on another person's map and enter their mind, the person will not be seen as charismatic.

Charisma: Care about each person in group

When I talk to an audience, I look at people in the eyes. I look to see if they are happy to see me, or if they are hurting about something inside. Perhaps they are somewhere in between. When you give attention to people at this kind of individual level, you will begin to capture the hearts and minds of your listeners. No, you can never get them all to like you. But, you can have empathy for everyone there.

Charisma: Walk with certainty

If you are preparing to communicate important information, you can bet that people will be watching you every step of the way. When you are walking, people pick up a lot about you on a nonverbal level. People who walk particularly slowly are usually perceived in a light that will not be helpful in the persuasive setting. I tend to walk at a pretty rapid clip and that can be seen as someone in a hurry, which is not perfect either. There is an advantage to walking quickly, though. On a practical level, people see that you are indeed preparing to do something important. This makes them much less likely to stop you and talk with you when you may be mentally preparing for a big presentation.

The ideal walk is moderate pace, eyes ahead, greeting people with a nod and a smile and moving on. People will be more prone to stop you mid-step, but if you handle the potential interrupter well, you can offer, "Let's catch up after my presentation," as you move along.

Walk with certainty and people will see you as important and give you respect.

Charisma: Exude self-confidence

There is very little in life that is more important than self-confidence. You must have a sense of certainty about what you are going to communicate about. You can easily be self-confident when you are able to speak for hours about something you are an expert at. If you constantly need notes to read from, you will not only lose your audience, you will lose credibility and self-confidence. There is nothing wrong with having a cheat sheet with some key words on it. Even Paul McCartney has the lyrics to his songs on a teleprompter in case he gets side-tracked. BUT, the exception is not the rule. Do you know your material as well as you do your name? If so you will be able to exude self-confidence.

Now, what if the material is "you"? What if you are not influencing others to do something, but rather, to like you? This situation is different. In these cases you must realize that by DOING something (talking to someone) you are accomplishing what most people will not do, and, that is become vulnerable. It is very difficult to say "no" to someone who has made themselves vulnerable.

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