Susan Dunn, MA, Life and EQ Coach
"People with small minds talk about other people. People
with
average minds talk about events. People with great minds
talk
about ideas" (Anonymous) And people with great hearts
talk about
feelings.
Dr. Phil has done it again -- come up with
just the right
descriptive phrase. On his show the other day, he confronted
a
young man saying: "Are you just an arrogant jerk who
likes to
get in someone else’s face and bark?" I was in
need of this
descriptive phrase because I was in an office the other
day
where one of the principals did just that -- he would get
in
someone else's face and bark. Every time. All day long.
That was
his only modus operandi.
It worked. But in what way?
I was reminded of this because my sister
just e- mailed me that
she’d had an awful day. She’d been trying to
fix a defective
keyboard, she said, “while listening to my neighbor's
dog bark
every 3 1/2 minutes.”
My own poor dog, as she became aged (and
she lived 17 years)
would become confused easily, and if frightened or upset,
would
bark every few seconds at regular intervals, until she became
hoarse. She would do it at my house if left outside to what
was
to her "too long" (so of course we didn't), but
when I had to
leave her at the kennel when I took a trip, the kennel owner
said she had done this for 24 hours (heart-breaking). However
--
when she would do this, I responded. While compassionate
for her
condition (blind, nearly deaf, very old, and much beloved),
it
was one of the most irritating things I've had to endure,
and I
would do ANYTHING to stop it. The kennel lady felt the same
way.
She ended up taking my dog home with her.
Unfortunately, there are people who do the
same thing only with
words. It has the immediate effect of getting them what
they
want, but with EQ, we're always looking at the long-term
situation, yes? Everyone threw this man what he wanted because
they would do anything to get rid of him.
Their main goal was to avoid him at all
costs. They skirted
around him in the hall, turned and went the other way when
they
heard him coming, passed papers around rather than going
into
his office, left if he was headed their way, and even warned
others, i.e., "boss alert."
Small wonder I found out he had been divorced
15 years. People
had to put up with him at work, but no one was willing to
at
home.
He truly "barked" orders, and
barked everything else. Is this
effective leadership? Is this effective relating? Is this
any
way to "be"? No, it is not. He had some good ideas,
but like my
poor aging dog, everyone's main reaction was to get rid
of the
noise as fast as they could. He missed getting the information
he needed because no one wanted to risk being around that
noise.
One of the tips I read recently in a leadership
article was
"Never raise your voice." Certain tones of voice,
and rhythms of
speaking turn other people off, and if we're focusing on
things
that annoy us, what chance do the ideas of the other person
have
of finding a happy home with us? At best, the other person
will
give 'lip service' to what you say, again, just to get you
out
of their face and to stop the barking. We do the mental
equivalent of putting our hands over our ears.
Only when we relate to the feelings of another
person do we
connect, and only when we connect can we truly influence.
Our
excitement about an idea, or about its usefulness to the
well-being of another (compassion) is much more likely to
effect
another person and to influence their behavior than a strictly
intellectual analysis of an idea, or the strident forcing
of
one's own opinions on others, or even of "giving orders".
Sadder still if we're in some position of
power over the other
and they 'must' listen to us, at least for a time. This
applies
to parents, lovers, colleagues, bosses, managers, and any
of us
at any given time. Think of the last time you were "a
captive
audience" to the person next to you in the airplane.
Good EQ means having a clue about the feelings
of the other
person, and knowing the effect that you have them; and,
I would
add, etiquette and common decency demand that the more the
person MUST listen to you, the more considerate you should
be in
the delivery and content of what you're saying.
Never come on any stronger than you have
to. In other words,
don't send a cannon when a fly swatter would do. And don't
annoy
and bore others. There are two types of people who do this
--
those who don't care, and those who don't know they're doing
it.
EQ means knowing the effect you have on others.
This involves watching the nonverbals that
go on in an
encounter. Noticing if the person you're talking to becomes
uneasy (shifting position, losing eye contact, yawning),
becomes
bored (eyes rolling back in the head, fidgeting, yawning),
angry
(tense body posture, arms folded), or digusted (lip curled,
eyes
squinting and/or averted).
Notice that almost any nonverbal communicator
can mean several
different things, and sometimes can mean opposite things.
For
instance, a person who becomes agitated when being “questioned,”
can do so either because they’re lying OR because
they’re a
hyper-honest person who’s afraid. Any given ‘signal’
depends
upon the grouping and the context. If you need to know more
about nonverbal communication, read by new ebook, "Nonverbal
Communication - What You Say Isn't What Says It All"
or sign up
for some coaching.
And please, don't get in someone else's
face and BARK!
If there is a little animal inside us (and
there is), it
responds the way all animals do - to tone of voice. Check
out
this site ( http://www.dogtrainingbasics.com/commands.html
) and
listen to the recordings of what 'works' for praise and
for
command. Women, they say, have trouble giving the "bad
dog"
tone, and men have trouble giving the "good dog"
tone.
However, getting in someone's face and barking
is not
gender-specific. Both the intimidating growl and the
finger-shaking school m'arm approach are to be avoided if
you
want others to listen to you, or, more importantly, want
them to
WANT to listen to you. We all have amazing powers for “tuning
out.”
If you want people to listen to what you’re
going to say, make
sure they’re tuning IN, not OUT.
About the author:
©Susan Dunn, MA, Life Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc
. Susan is
the author of “Nonverbal Communication,” and
coaches people on
success skills focusing on emotional intelligence. She also
offers Internet and email courses, and an ebook library.
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc
for FREE ezine.
